Emotions are a fickle thing to understand. One moment, you’re walking through the aisles at the grocery store. The next moment, you’re at home trying to understand why you have red, puffy, “I just cried” eyes…
I’ve tried so hard to cope with everything, but honestly, I feel like broken glass on the inside. My heart is like a vase that got knocked over and then pieced back together with super glue. On the surface, it looks the same, but the remaining fractures make it much weaker than before.
I’m starting to realize that I haven’t completely dealt with my emotions completely. The Mrs keeps telling me that I should attend a grief support group. It’s becoming more and more clear that this is exactly what I need to do.
But, I don’t want to…
The thought of going and talking about my feelings with a bunch of strangers doesn’t excite me. I’m not the biggest fan of sharing my feelings as it is, so doing that with strangers isn’t enticing…at all. After the funeral, I threw myself back into my job and school work almost immediately. Essentially, I hid myself away so that I wouldn’t have to talk much about how I actually felt.
I keep trying to tell my mind that I’m alright, and that I’m making progress, but I keep dreaming of my mother. The dreams are never weird or anything, but they are vivid. I can always tell that she is right there with me, even if she’s not the main focus of the dream.
I actually had a dream where she gave me a hug. I woke up, slightly perplexed, wondering if that’s just her way of telling me that she’s okay…
I have so many unanswered questions and there are so many things that I still want to tell her.
In my mind, I realize that isn’t possible, but my heart is having a hard time accepting that fact.
You wouldn’t know this, but the Mrs and I have a tradition of buying a new ornament for our Christmas tree every year. We bought one while we were on vacation earlier this year, but she decided to surprise me with a new one a few days ago.
When I pulled the ornament out of the package and read the description, I burst into tears. And no, not the cute, TV drama tears either. It was as if the ornament reminded me of something that I’ve been running from.
I have been hiding from the fact that my heart is desperately crying out for my mother. I miss her so much, but I know that there is nothing that I can do to change what happened. Therefore, I need to find a way to actually cope. There is no bringing her back, but there is so much that I can do to preserve her memory and continue on with my life. I will never forget her, but I can’t keep pretending as if nothing has happened either.
People always ask how I’m doing, and I say “I’m okay…”
I’m actually not okay…and, that fact is okay…because, I don’t have to be…
I never got the chance to grieve and be sad in the moment (more on that later), so I need to take that time now.
I need to heal.
I understand that it’ll take time and effort, but I need to do it.
…Wish me luck.