I Feel Cheated

i feel cheated

I went to the State Fair with the Mrs today and we had an amazing time. When we got home, I decided that I would wash the dishes while the Mrs was in the shower. Somewhere in between washing the plates and rinsing the knives, I suddenly burst into tears…

Weird right? Unfortunately, I wasn’t having some kind of melodramatic reaction to doing household chores, I simply had an intense moment of sadness over the recent loss of my mother.  I haven’t quite figured out exactly how I feel about the fact that she isn’t here anymore, but as I was standing there with my hands in the sink and tears in my eyes, I was realizing the fact that I couldn’t call her and tell her about the great time we had at the fair today. And then that thought spawned many others..

She won’t be waiting for me when I graduate with my MBA. She won’t be able to hear the news when I finally become an officer in the Air Force. She won’t even get the chance to meet her grandchildren (if we ever decide to have any). The point is, I am trying to come to grips with the fact that my mother is not here anymore and it is taking a lot of effort to do.

I have been telling my wife lately that it still doesn’t really seem real to me yet. Even though I helped with the funeral arrangements, viewed the body, and attended the funeral – I still feel as if one day my phone will ring and I’ll hear her voice say “Hey boy, did you miss me? I took a quick vacation but I’m back now!”

Wishful thinking right?

I think my mind is just having a hard time understanding things right now because of how suddenly everything happened. Most of the time, when people lose a parent, its because they are sick and you get the chance to be with them before they pass. You get the chance to understand that they aren’t going to be able to hold on forever.

I didn’t get that chance because I didn’t actually know that anything was wrong with my mother because it was never talked about until it was too late.

In a way, I feel cheated.

I feel cheated because I wish that I could have known more about what was going on so that I could have researched her condition and done my best to be there for her and show support during her most difficult times. It may not have made any difference at all and things may have turned out exactly the same, but I hate the fact that I didn’t even get the chance to try.

I feel cheated because I’m young. I’m 26 years old and I will never be able to talk to my mother ever again. She was always the consistent person in my life. No matter how bad things were between me and anyone else, she was always there. Right now, I can’t even comprehend the finality of her decision to leave. I know that she was living in a hell that I can’t possibly try to understand, so I’m not angry with her and I’m definitely not selfish enough to say that I wish she would have stayed.

But I do feel cheated.

I know that one day I will probably be able to make sense of everything and truly understand how I feel as a suicide survivor.

One thing is for sure. I am thankful that my heart can be clear from any guilt about how I treated her while she was here. I never mistreated her, disrespected her, or did any wrong to her. I did my best to call her on a regular basis and keep her in the loop on everything in my life (my wife definitely made sure of that!).

I know that I’m the man that I am today because of the woman that she was. I want to say that I feel cheated again, because there was probably so much more that I could have learned from her, but I won’t say that…

I’m just thankful that I was able to learn anything at all.

– MR

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8 thoughts on “I Feel Cheated

  1. Dr. Jacqueline P. Howard says:

    You have been able to clearly articulate your feelings in this article, I Feel Cheated”. I pray for your strength as you go through your grieving process. Just by reading your post, I know you were a blessing to your mother. As loving parents, we try to shield and protect our children. We are so concerned that their lives are not complicated by our own issues that we fail to include them. Yes, it is difficult for parents to see their children as adults who are now able to share family burdens. I am sure that your article will help others see the importance of having critical conversations with those they love.

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  2. Patricia Stevens says:

    I do know how you are feeling,i had a daughter to pass at age 34,it was sudden too.It will be 5 years Aug. 2!It will get better with time.Yes i think about her everyday!Try to stay busy when you find yourself dwelling on your mother heavy,this will help alittle,i was the same way ,looking fot my daughter to call me for some advice,some times talking about her job!!!Sometimes i would call her to just play around with her on her job!!lol Its going to be a big adjustment,but hang on in there,God doesnt make any mistakes!I had to realize that!And also after the burial i didnt even want to see anybody,i was so angry,but as i know it will get better!!!

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  3. MELISSA FAIRCLOTH says:

    I know exactly how you are feeling. It has been 8 years since I lost my dad and I was only 30. Even though he didn’t go out the same as your mom, he went very suddenly. He died in his sleep. Wasn’t sick…we had no clue. I…. Like you had the feeling for the first year after his death that he was just going to pull up in the yard or call me like he always did. I couldnt just pick up the phone and call him when i needed to talk to him. It didnt seem real till about the first year. I feel cheated too that he isn’t here to see his grandchildren and spend time with me and my family. I have feelings of anger, and blame. All kinds of feelings will take hold of you. I take it you were a “mama’s boy” as i was a “Daddy’s girl ” . I think that makes it harder. The days will get easier as time passes, but you will still have your bad days.. you will just have to laugh and remember all the good times y’all shared. She will always be with you in your heart and mind. I pray for your comfort. …I know this is extremely hard for you. I will definitely keep you and your family in my prayers.

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  4. Maurice Smith says:

    It’s truly time that we face the fact that no one is perfect except Christ. Meaning……there’s something different with all of us. Society has formed a stigma that causes us to hide our differences, rather than seek help. Whether this help is in the form of a cure or understanding how to cope, it’s time that we all acknowledge our differences. We should feel free to share our thoughts and feelings with our loved ones………………………………….

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  5. Valerie says:

    D Jamison, I struggled with my mom’s alcohol addiction until she succumbed to cirrhosis of the liver I was 29. After my mom’s death, I read through her journals and realized that she had suffered from depression in her teens . She was raped by a married man and it resulted in a pregnancy, but she was treated as prosimicious child versus acknowledging him for the dog that he was.
    My mom raised 12 upstanding children before
    she departing this earth and luckily did not began drinking until I was 16 . With all that said , she left us with a legacy of love , integrity and strong work ethic and I am eternally grateful . I have always been told that children are on loan to parents and it is my summation that patents are loan to us. Finding this lesson out later , in life , has helped me to put precious value of my in a different perspective . We are here temporarily and we must make every day count . Your gift was encouraging and loving others, just as my mom’s , despite the dealing with the painful realities of mental illness . Mental illness is like hiding behind a shadow, when the summer is out the shadow is absence., but on the gloomy days the shadow follows the person around like a gnat , refusing to leave , until it is swatted to away or killed. For some of us the gnat is harder to destroy and for others the shadow becomes unbearable . I never questioned my mother love for me because she mentioned numerous times that she hated the disease . It was not her friend and eventually , her best friend “. Hope ” betrayed her as well . Depression is real , mean, non discriminatory and sucks the life out of those we love the best .
    Continue to be a vessel to help shine the light on this killer disease. I wish you well as you continue to adjust to life without your previous mom .

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