I went to the State Fair with the Mrs today and we had an amazing time. When we got home, I decided that I would wash the dishes while the Mrs was in the shower. Somewhere in between washing the plates and rinsing the knives, I suddenly burst into tears…
Weird right? Unfortunately, I wasn’t having some kind of melodramatic reaction to doing household chores, I simply had an intense moment of sadness over the recent loss of my mother. I haven’t quite figured out exactly how I feel about the fact that she isn’t here anymore, but as I was standing there with my hands in the sink and tears in my eyes, I was realizing the fact that I couldn’t call her and tell her about the great time we had at the fair today. And then that thought spawned many others..
She won’t be waiting for me when I graduate with my MBA. She won’t be able to hear the news when I finally become an officer in the Air Force. She won’t even get the chance to meet her grandchildren (if we ever decide to have any). The point is, I am trying to come to grips with the fact that my mother is not here anymore and it is taking a lot of effort to do.
I have been telling my wife lately that it still doesn’t really seem real to me yet. Even though I helped with the funeral arrangements, viewed the body, and attended the funeral – I still feel as if one day my phone will ring and I’ll hear her voice say “Hey boy, did you miss me? I took a quick vacation but I’m back now!”
Wishful thinking right?
I think my mind is just having a hard time understanding things right now because of how suddenly everything happened. Most of the time, when people lose a parent, its because they are sick and you get the chance to be with them before they pass. You get the chance to understand that they aren’t going to be able to hold on forever.
I didn’t get that chance because I didn’t actually know that anything was wrong with my mother because it was never talked about until it was too late.
In a way, I feel cheated.
I feel cheated because I wish that I could have known more about what was going on so that I could have researched her condition and done my best to be there for her and show support during her most difficult times. It may not have made any difference at all and things may have turned out exactly the same, but I hate the fact that I didn’t even get the chance to try.
I feel cheated because I’m young. I’m 26 years old and I will never be able to talk to my mother ever again. She was always the consistent person in my life. No matter how bad things were between me and anyone else, she was always there. Right now, I can’t even comprehend the finality of her decision to leave. I know that she was living in a hell that I can’t possibly try to understand, so I’m not angry with her and I’m definitely not selfish enough to say that I wish she would have stayed.
But I do feel cheated.
I know that one day I will probably be able to make sense of everything and truly understand how I feel as a suicide survivor.
One thing is for sure. I am thankful that my heart can be clear from any guilt about how I treated her while she was here. I never mistreated her, disrespected her, or did any wrong to her. I did my best to call her on a regular basis and keep her in the loop on everything in my life (my wife definitely made sure of that!).
I know that I’m the man that I am today because of the woman that she was. I want to say that I feel cheated again, because there was probably so much more that I could have learned from her, but I won’t say that…
I’m just thankful that I was able to learn anything at all.