I stepped into my marriage under the presumption that love will last forever, but I was wrong. Committing your life to another person, until death do you part, is not always the happily ever after that you might see in fairy-tales and romance stories. After being married just shy of two years, I am coming to terms with the fact that I don’t love my wife…
At least, not in the way that I’m expected to. If I were to follow today’s rubric for marriage then I would need to rule my house, be the absolute head, the provider, the fixer – yadda, yadda, yadda. That’s probably fine for most people but I view marriage as a partnership. I don’t agree with how society paints the picture that shows men and women doing specific sets of jobs in their marriages because they are expected to do them or how it defines the way married couples are supposed to act.
See, men are supposed to take their wives out, buy them gifts, and spoil them to make sure that they feel loved and viewed as important. According to what we see 90% of the time, flowers fix problems and every kiss begins with Kay, but I call BS. Why is it that people put so much emphasis on material gifts? In my heart, what I can buy for my wife is no where near as important or as impressive as what I can do for her.
I’m not saying that you should never buy anything for your significant other, because you would be foolish to even believe that. I just don’t think those gifts should be used as problem solvers or indicators of how much you love someone. I do things for my wife like cook, clean, give massages, wake up early to make her sandwiches before work, talk, encourage, support her dreams, make her laugh, and the list goes on.
In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. – Ephesians 5:28
One of the most important things I can do is to love my wife as I love myself, or even more. Marriage isn’t about me and most of my contribution goes towards making her life better. I support her dreams as if they were my own. When she is sick or not feeling well, I may as well be too. If she is down about a disappointment then I am right by her side trying to encourage her. I don’t spend my time selfishly thinking of what she does for me or what I wish she would do. I benefit from focusing on loving her because she in turn does the same to me – it’s a win win situation. I make love sound like a chore or a job or something, because in reality it is!
Marriage isn’t easy, and anyone who has been married will tell you that. Remember how I said that I thought love would last forever? I was wrong about that. Love does not last forever. True love, however, will last for a lifetime but you have to be willing to work for it. We eventually grow out of the stage of “puppy love” and if it doesn’t mature into ‘true love’ you will find yourself in an unhappy place. Looks aren’t everything (even though my wife is gorgeous), but one day we will be old and wrinkly and maybe not as attractive as we are now. Luckily for me, not only is my wife pretty, she is also hilariously funny, my best friend, ambitious, intelligent, supportive of me, giving, and the list goes ooon and ooon. She’s great, seriously.
I don’t just love her though. I am hopelessly head over heels in love with her, because I choose to be and because I work towards nurturing that love. In the 2 years we’ve been married she has helped me to grow into a better man than I was at the beginning and she has encouraged me to pursue things that I otherwise would not have (like starting my blog).
***This article was also featured on the Huffington Post***
Unsolicited Truth 
Well, I don't know if I can speak for all guys. But for me, I use support as an all encompassing term. I would support my wife financially anytime if she needed me to. I support her dreams and goals and help her find ways of achieving them. I support her emotionally when she's dealing with things and just needs someone to be there for her and be strong for her when she doesn't feel like she can be strong for herself. I give my all for her simply because I know that's what she deserves.
I feel like I kind of rambled, but I hope that sort of answered the question for you! Thanks for reading and leaving a comment.
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Derell, you used the phrase support your wife's dreams describing how you give to your wife and I think the things you've shared are great. However, I am a bit confused by the use of the word support because I have had guys say ” I support you” but have yet to see signs of support be it through active listening, physical assistance or financial support.So here's the question. For a guy, what the hay does “I support you actually mean” I appreciate your perspective.
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I realize the bible isn't always going to work for everyone, but I'm glad to hear that you have similar views on marriage. Thank you for reading and commenting!
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Thank you so much for reading. That pretty much summarizes my whole article. It's not really about what you say or how you feel, at the end of the day it's more about what you DO that really matters. Thanks for commenting.
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Great post, and completely agree. I approach marriage in a similar fashion (without all the God / Bible stuff).
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Hi Derell, I saw your post at BBN. Your words are so true. I'm reminded of the Hebrew meaning of love,(and for any other word for that matter) which always speaks to a function/an action. Rather than being an abstract term, it denotes something that you must do. So keep doing for each other! Great post!
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That is definitely true. Society would lead you to believe that all you need is sex appeal in order for a relationship to work. That might help for a short while, but in the long run you're going to need something more substantial to fuel the relationship. Thank you for reading and commenting!
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This is a beautifully written well thought out post. I wish more men held this attitude, marriage is work. You have to love that work and love the person you're working with if you want to see you both succeed. It's interesting that society presents a successful relationship to be one where attraction rules all and fails to prepare you for just how much partnership is involved.
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It's so funny that you mentioned budgets and cooking. It's the EXACT same for my wife and I! I believe that some of the strongest marriages have a firm grasp of the fact that marriage is truly a partnership. And although there is give and take, if both people focus more on the “giving” portion then you both benefit. God definitely sends us someone with strengths in our areas of weakness so that we can learn from them and also teach them things in return. Marriage should make you a better person at the end of the day! Thank you so much for reading and following!!
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I found you blog from an old college friend posting it on FB. I'm glad I took the bait and checked it out. My husband and I studied Ephesians extensively before marriage and there are some real jewels there. Marriage is a partnership. I feel that God sent us the person that has strengths where we may have weaknesses. For instance, hubby isn't good w/ budgeting and wife manages money well but wife isn't great at cooking but hubby is super comfortable in the kitchen.I've been married about 1 1/2 years & we've learned already as well, newlywed syndrome does wear off but definitely worth the work. Good read overall! #newfollower
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WOW Derell your wife is a blessed woman to have you appreciate her like you do. I read this out loud to my hubby and he said “It's about time a man sees things they way I do and appreciates his wife like I do.” I cried reading it because this is truly beautiful and I hope she appreciates it, I am sure she does.
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